Musashi in review

original posting:  30 September 2008

Life has this way of throwing you curveballs and hitting you with the unexpected at every turn.  You think something is going fine and all of a sudden, your world is turned upside down.  You think things couldn't get any worse and then there is a mysterious light of hope.  That is the way of life.  The hardest part of "life" is acceptance. 
Strange maybe is the concept that we would be a lot more grounded and content with things in life if we would just accept that they happen.  Sometimes there is no reason.  Sometimes there is no rhyme.  Sometimes it is something we can control and sometimes it is not.  Sometimes the only person we can believe is ourselves and sometimes you can put your faith in mankind.
I studied a little bit of a Japanese samurai/philosopher from the 15th century by the name of Miyamoto Mushashi.  I was inspired and convicted by his "Way of Walking Alone," a set of tenets giving direction to a life that he lived, that he would expect anyone who followed his philosophy to take and make their own.  In his vision I did, and made "The Way of Walking in Darnkess."  It has been quite sometime since that publication, and thought I should revist my own Way, and see where it has led me.
"The Way of Walking in the Darkness"
* Do not accept that you know enough of the world*

   -This tenet has shown me that by approaching the world with the knowledge that you will never know more about it than it of you, and realizing just how small my role is, has helped me immensly.  I am 26 years old and I am still finding that there are things that I do not know, things that I cannot change, and things that i have yet to experience.

* Do not let your desire for love and lust warp your thoughts and actions*
   - I have been living a life quite a bit different from that when I lived in Germany, and amazingly, this tenet till holds just as true as the day I wrote it.  I have very strong convictions about love/lust being a proponent in a person's life, and have since found that it is still important to let your ideas of love/lust NOT be what drives you to be with someone, rather your ability to communicate, the reality of BOTH your situations and the likelihood of your actions being pure outside of love/lust.

* Do not rely on anyone before first relying on yourself*
   - My family and friends I think have a hard time accepting that I hold this tenet very close to my heart.  I believe that if you rely too much on others, either as a crutch or honest support, you lose that part of you that is able to survive on its own.  I am not saying go down in fire and flames, but unless you know yourself and know your limits, you will never really be able to know what you are capable of.  If at first I fail, then I know more about what it takes to succeed, or know that I cannot do this thing that has defeated me on my own, and either need support or accept that I simply cannot win in that particular area.

* Do not take yourself, or your circumstances, too seriously; take the world in her harshest light*
   -As always, I have followed this tenet to the T, with the exception of recent history.  If I can take a step back and view myself and my circumstances from outside my situation, I would probably see that not only are they not that dire or serious or whatever else you might describe it as, but I would also see more objectively that regardless of the circumstances and how things end up, life does go on.  And as always, take the world in the harshest of light.  She will always be harsh, so accepting that others will be just like her are what will make it so much easier.

* Do not ever think in acusations*
   -  I have been failing at this one.  I tend to think in the worse possible light, and while the above tenets do caution against the harsh world and retain the knowledge that you can only rely on yourself, thinking accusitively is not apart of that.  An accusation arises from NOT knowing something, and thus because of my lack of knowledge, I have definately been thinking very accusatorily.  Taking the time to internalize the unknown or taking a step back and trying to understand what is presented to me is key to adhering to this tenet.

* Do not fear or regret your past; it is what has created your path*
   -  Fear and regret can be negative and impacting on your life, and living free from the sins of your own past can do wonders for the soul.  I am where I am today because of everything I have done and what has been done to me.  No need to fear or regret what has shaped you, both bad and good.

* Do not desire anything that another does; desire what you are able to do*
   -  Envy and covetous thoughts.  I have had a close bout with this recently that infurated me.  It is simple enough to strive for something when you see something you want.  Turning that destructive and worthless impulse into something as an inspiring force that drives you to achieve is the goal of this tenet.  Although I have found very little that I want that another has or does, this is till very important to follow, as it is so very easy to let someone else's good things twist our own thoughts.

* Do not mourn the path or where it leads*
   -  Definately had pain with this one.  With my dad passing, to new family troubles, to problems in my love life... it is alwasy so difficult to keep from letting the pain or disappointment overtake me.  The path leads where it does.  And while we can try our best to direct the path, there are simply some things we have to endure in life. 
Next week I will continue the review.  Until then...

Reality Check

original posting:  23 September 2008

Wow.  What has it been?  Something like months?  Well... I have been busy, in my defense.  Well, I used to have a cult following with these things, not so sure how many friends I have that keep track of these blogs.  But, I mostly do them for me anyways, kind of like milestones of my life. 
There are those of you that really know me that have probably been thrown for a loop by my newfound passion and love.  Or that concept that I am really in love.  I know a certain one of you has most certainly dropped my friendship over it.  I am not going to explain it away or try to appease anyone with this... but I do think that there is plenty that I am feeling and thinking that should be put down.
After my divorce, oh, what was it, in February of 2005... I kind of went on a hedonistic spree.  Those of you that know me have a pretty solid idea of how I am with girls and friends and all that.  Well... I gave up on true friendship and relationships there.  Now, there were three women that I stopped my rampage for, but one ended horribly, one used me, and one showed me what a controlling freak is like from the other side.  SO... lol.  But all in all, those times made up about 4 months of that entire period. 
I made up my mind about a lot of things during that period. Here are the big ones.
Love didn't exist.  I believed that love was a tool, used by men and women, to try to explain why they didn't want to be lonely, or to make the other want to have sex with them.  I felt that if love did exist, women wouldn't get with men that treated them like shit, women wouldn't pass up on someone they could be happy with (assuming women CAN be happy) and women wouldn't treat guys that treat them well like crap. To me, love was nothing but a means to an end of some game that I didn't have the desire to play.  And being that all I wanted was a pure relationship with someone who truly cared for me… love was out the window.
Morality didn't exist.  I believed that morality was a line that can get moved just as simply as an object on a table.  To me, morality wasn't a guiding force in anyone's life, but simply something people say to others to get what they want.  No sweetie, I would never cheat on you.  No sweetie, I would never treat you wrong.  No sweetie, I will always take time to talk out a bad situation.  All lies and illusions to get what they want.  Morality.  The only people that are moral are those that are fine with getting what they want.  Once something starts to get a little difficult... out goes morality and in comes the new guy that she strayed to.  And the person that believes in morality is always left standing alone in the dark thinking what happened  to the wonderful person and all those awesome things they told me.  And being that all I wanted was someone who would always do right by me and never betray me… morality was out the window.
Relationships were for the weak and vain.  I didn't need a relationship to affirm my identity or to make me happy.  I even had a then friend tell me that one reason she would never be with me was because I would not need her and she would need me.  (bear in mind that at the time I WANTED her more than I had wanted anyone in a long time).  I had a hundred and one friends that were women, and our relationships were free from the stigma of being in a relationship.  The only thing they lacked were the sex and mushy hand holding bullshit that couples have to do to show they were together.  And at the time, I could care less how much I touched or felt someone.  People make such a big hubbub about wanting someone and once they were in the relationship... they either strayed or treated their man like shit.  So why would I want a relationship?  I could just stay friends with these women and get laid whenever the need arose… which I digress is the reason that time was a hedonistic spree.  And that I just wanted a relationship that would last… relationships were out the window.
These were three big fundamental changes in the way I thought.  I will admit... I somewhat lost it there.  So, there are a slew of friends that met me during this time and all they know is that guy.  That guy who is heartless, hates the idea of relationships, and does whatever he wants to make himself happy because he knows anyone will take what they want from him if he lets them. 
So what happened?
Love. 
I fell in love.  I had never fallen in love, and could never have guessed the power that love can have over a person.  It gripped me in its warm embrace and hasn't let me go since.  What did it take for me to fall in love?  I am still unsure what exactly happened.  But I do know WHO happened.  It is a very special girl.  She showed me what love is like when it is returned.  She showed me that, even if for a time, love is nurturing, safe and wonderful.  In her presence, I felt like I could be vulnerable and express myself without fear of being hurt or betrayed. 
I have had a few arguments with a few people since this has all come about.  They could not understand how I could change like this.  But I have also had a few conversations with some very important people in my life that think that anyone that can show me back out of that Juggernaut shell I had encased my heart in, without even trying, is someone that I should be thankful came into my life.
And I am.  I will forever be thankful to her for what she has done for me.  My heart beats everyday, with renewed hope and love.  I feel so much more than I have in ages.  I have laughed true laughs, smiled true smiles and said true words of love and commitment.
I am no idiot though.  I know that all good things come to an end.  It is a fact of life.  People get scared.  Priorities change and people change.  All we have are those moments that we shared with those people special in our lives. 
I will be honest.  The thought of me not having this special girl brings tears to my eyes.  How could it not?  Try having someone bring complete happiness into your life and then think about having that go away.  You would probably be just as hurt.  So I am definitely getting used to being vulnerable and defenseless.  Can't say I like it much.  Things were always so simple when I was the Juggernaut... but I would not have even had a chance at this happiness if I stayed as I was.  And I could not love at all if I was back in the shell.  So whatever happens, (and I know a certain individual that would probably smile if things turned sour) I am just going to feel what I feel, and let life be life.  (A very old philosophy of mine, see former blog) LOL
Dad told me something when I was in pain during the divorce.  He said that I cannot do anything about what someone else is doing.  They will make their choices and act the way they want to.  The only thing that I have, and can control, is what I do.  And as long as I do right by those that I love and want in my life, then I have done all I can do.  The rest is up to fate.  He said that everyone comes into our lives for a reason.  We have to decide who we let walk away, who we push away, and who we hold onto and never let go.  And each person makes that choice for themselves.  I know that I will never want to let go of her.  I just hope that she feels the same

The Way of Walking in Darkness

original posting:  17 October 2007

If you have known me for any length of time, you know that i am full of philisophical thoughts and questions. If you read my blogs, you may be aware of a series i did, though incomplete, on the writings of Miyamoto Musashi, specifically his 21 tenets on "The Way of Walking Alone."
It struck home, much of what he had written, over four hundred years ago, that i had only read for the first time a few short months ago. What he wrote i had been feeling and doing for a great while in my life. To have it so pointedly and plainly written before me... well... it struck home. I have been since trying to reconcile those words on the page with my life, and applying that beautiful, yet difficult philosophy to my way, my path and my tenets. Following the heart of Musashi, i have made his very words my own.
"The Way of Walking in the Darkness"
* Do not accept that you know enough of the world*
* Do not let your desire for love and lust warp your thoughts and actions*
* Do not rely on anyone before first relying on yourself*
* Do not take yourself, or your circumstances, too seriously; take the world in her harshest light*
* Do not ever think in acusations*
* Do not fear or regret your past; it is what has created your path*
* Do not desire anything that another does; desire what you are able to do*
* Do not mourn the path or where it leads*
* Do not allow thoughts of bitterness or complaint, in yourself or others*
* Have no heart for approaching the path of love*
* Do not prefer anything, accept what the path brings you*
* Do not harbor hopes; create the path that presents opportunity*
* Do not desire food so that you destroy your body*
* Do not desire possessions only for yourself*
* Do not allow yourself any weakness*
* Do not desire material things against all others*
* Do not allow death to destroy life*
* Do not plan for tomorrow without ensuring today*
* Do not seek gods when the power lies within*
* Never seek less than a path which betters yourself*
* Never live without honor; your life is your word*

The Letter

original posting:  6 July 2007

The letter I never wrote

I smiled a very different smile today. I smiled because I was with you. Let me take that back a little.

Yesterday was awesome. I never let loose. Well... not in that way. Sure... I am a creature of fire, natural chaos... all that jazz. Sure. I can wow my buddies with some good times and sure, we all have fun. But... I never cut loose. But, these last few weeks, you have been awesome. You keep telling me I am sexy. You keep telling me I am wonderful. You look at me and I wonder why you are looking at me that way. I make jokes... you laugh. We go places and do things... and I really enjoy myself. Really.

So... I let loose. You got to see a side of me... well... no one has seen that side of me. I have changed so much since the last time I was... well... vulnerable. Yeah I know... that word doesn't usually apply to me... but with you... I feel I can. I hope that is alright. I don't regret my time with you. Actually I am somewhat... unsure of myself when it comes to that. I know what I can do. I know what I did do. But... it is always so different for everyone. And I am different with you.

I like you. Let me take that back.

I don't like girls. Not like this. I say I don't but not in an absolute way. It is in a... historical way. I hide... or should I say, I conceal everything I would ever feel. I don't like being hurt. I don't like being vulnerable. I don't like being... well... human. I like being untouchable. I like being independent. I like being... me. But... you let me be all those things... while I am with you. So... I love that. If loving someone is enjoying them, enjoying being around them, enjoying their company and their conversation, and wanting that for yourself... then maybe... maybe I love you.

Sometimes I surprise myself... but maybe this time I surprised you

Changes and Normality

original posting:  1 July 2007

Everything changes. Everything is the same.

Sometimes you get surprised. Maybe you let yourself or you honestly just didn't think something would happen. So someone surprises you and you are happy because of it. Or... you are not. You were trotting through life and whatever happened destroyed something that you wished stayed permanent. Then you realize it... nothing is permanent... at least not anymore.

So you think to yourself about the things in your life. You think about your money. You think about your family. You think about your friends. Maybe if it fits… you think about those you love or that love you. You think about your lovers, if there are any. What is it all worth? We are living a life that gets harder and harder to live every day. Or does it?

My life has been getting easier. I have had my share of mishaps, bad circumstances and terrible fallouts. But here is the thing… isn't that just life? I have an often lauded/hated philosophy on life that I still think there are quite a few people that don't understand it… which would make sense in some of the comments I get. I often get knocked by a few people who think they know me that I am uncaring. Or distant. Or disconnected. Insert whatever comment that basically conveys not a part of feeling about a situation. I understand though where this is coming from and it has a lot to do with the misunderstanding of my life's main philosophy.

You ready for this?  Life is Life.

Ok… did you double take? Let's take a look at these seemingly simple and unassuming three words that seems to cause so much confusion. Life is what we are living and life is what we have. We will always be living the life we have… Life has been commented on by Buddhist monks to be pain. A comical aside to this is that life is "a bitch". This whole philosophy revolves around this idea… you begin life going into it knowing that so much of it is going to be full of hurt, pain, betrayal, loss and general bad things. You know that. But what this philosophy grants one who subscribes to it is this: if you know something is going to happen… are you surprised when it does?

No you aren't.  That has been the crux of this philosophy for me for the last few years. The few times that I have had some heartache and pain has coincidentally also been the same times that I began taking a few steps away from this philosophy. In the last few months, yes, triggered by a certain even that affected me more than I would have liked it to… I have taken very measured steps back towards this philosophy that I truly believe. In true fashion things have leveled out a lot for me. It would seem that the more I think I am caring the more I step away from my philosophy. The more I seem to detach myself, both from the good and the bad… the more things seem to be so much better for me.

You may say… but Brian… doesn't that mean you care less about everything around you? No. I am no less happy or less jovial or less anything else simply because of me not letting things affect me… no. I am if anything, more able to enjoy what goes on in my life. So what is the rub here?

There is a school of thought, a very old one, that states that you should be patient, impartial, steady and loyal, but, and I am paraphrasing here "neither quick to anger nor quick to reaction." I think the essence here is to not let anything have a greater affect on you than what you would want it to. I apply these tenets to my life. Although I will have my detractors… everyone does… no one can say that I don't care, when I do, that I don't try, when I feel I should, and that I don't love, when you are the one that I decide I could. I do everything pure… and for this life… I always will.

Stream of Consciousness, Part 3

original posting:  20 May 2007

: Friendship… where to begin. Honestly I am not sure anymore. You can be so sure of some things in this life. You can be so sure that someone will always be "there". You have your ups and downs… you have arguments. Maybe every now and again you might say some things in anger… but what is it that keeps a friendship going. Forgiveness? Compassion? Honesty? I am not sure. It would seem that the mistakes I make only repeat themselves in very specific instances. Why do these friendships fail. I am often faulted for being too caring, for trying too much, for giving too much effort, or giving effort too soon. So if it takes compromise, forgiveness… effort… most certainly if I have these qualities in spades then why would any of my friendships end? Of course there is more to tit than that. I make mistakes… just as anyone does. But that is what makes me human. Is it because others give up? Maybe. It is always easier to give up than to continue at something that at times is difficult. I would like to say that I wouldn't, but sometimes it is so hard to resist the desire to say "I am done". It is so difficult to forgive and always try… even if a break is necessary before doing so. It is this trial by fire that I believe makes friends for life. Ups and downs, hills and valley's, through life's changes, personal hardships and differences in character… weathering these storms and making the "choice", that conscious decision to never leave that friend will hold more value than anything that anyone can walk away from. I have this desire to keep certain people in this special status. They are close to my heart… and as a few have shown… with each new butting of heads, each new disagreement and argument, with each new instance where the "edges" are not quite smooth… where we both keep coming back… saying all is forgiven… and still making that choice to care, be there and in one in particular, to keep loving me regardless of what happens… I am shown that a true friend will not give up.

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I like the idea of having certain friends forever. I like the idea that someone will want to always be close to me… and for reasons other than loneliness, desire of the like. That me… by myself and because of my qualities I am wanted as a friend with no limits, that is more than enough to make my sad face brighten ever so much.

Emotions tie together and tear asunder so much in this life that I have a hard time expressing mine anymore. What is it about admitting or not admitting what you truly feel that can sway the entire universe into chaos or order. There has to be so much thought, fear and anxiety that goes into that decision. You may fall for someone and let this person walk out of your life. Why? The rear paralyzes you. You may very well destroy the friendship by being honest with those feelings. The person may shun you… may turn their back on you… may feel distanced from you because of the revelation… may realize their own feelings for you… whatever the case may be… I have found it is no simple solution… and being honest is not always the best course. I am actually more sure now, less idealistic that I am… that hiding one's true feelings will be more beneficial in the long run then not.

Every relationship we have.. romantic to friendly, simple to complex, has their own dynamic. Their own "engine" that makes it work. Maybe in the most lighthearted of instances, it is something as creative as a shared hobby and common humor… or conversely something very complex such as an afttraction and desire for companionship. Whatever the case may be, whatever keeps said relationships together, there is an assumption made… that nothing will ever change. It goes against all reasonable knowledge. We know the world changes… we know people change, we know things happen that are out of our control that cause shifts in loyalty, emotion and attitudes… yet even with all of this knowledge… consciously or subconsciously… we assume that what works with that someone, what "clicks", what makes the relationship so good is that nothing will change, they will be locked in stasis as they are… perfectly awesome and in this eternal state of bliss.

Invariably, some dynamic changes that will throw every cog and wheel into disarray. That hobby that you both got together every weekend for is no longer quite as enjoyable as it used to be. You can no longer devote as much time to "hanging out" because your work schedule calls for more time on the job. That friend that you just hung out with for kicks is now someone you want to spend much more time with. Someone that you would hang out with when there was nothing better to do now shows a definite interest in who you are dating and if it is someone like them. It is these shifts, these changes that are such turning points in relationships. There is a moment there, right as the shift is noticed by one side and not by the other, where one most definitely considers. Honesty and desire steps in. do you proceed with the change, revealing what it is and letting fate decide where things fo from there or do you let fear rule your decisions forever concerning this person? In my former idealism, I would say no. I would say lay your heart bear… a friend that close would never hurt you and the situation would always work out for the best. An idealist will always find themselves in a world that does not meet his ideals. But… I digress. I say that you can never know. My first instinct is to bury those feelings. Better a catastrophe avoided by denying yourself your heart's desire than creating one by pursuing the object of your affection. Now… taking a chance on such a thing has definitely won many a lover and companion… I do not doubt that for a second. But the opposite is just as true… you think that someone is beautiful, wonderful and because you work out so well why not take that next logical step forward? Why indeed.

And right there is the mistake. Just as in assuming a friendship will remain perfect because what makes you perfect will never change, so too is the mistake in assuming gthere are any logical steps concerning friendships and their progression to relationships. I will challenge more often than not that it is this folly, this fault in logic that has ended many a friendship, much more so than such a jump would create a relationship. As I mentioned above, every relationship begins based on impressions and intents. Flirtations, misperceptions and temptations aside, I believe it is almost always these first impressions and intents that everyone bases their "cogs and wheels" upon. If not for the belief that nothing will change in these initial stages… it would be very hard to base your own feelings on someone as you couldn't be sure they are being consistent with you. Am I wagering it is never better to take a chance? No. am I saying that if things are progressing nicely and there is a natural shift to romance should you forcibly stop yourself. Not exactly. Am I saying that if you develop a love and desire for a longtime friend that you should put it aside and forever hide it? Not in so many words. What I am saying is this. Be sure… about everything. Be sure you can handle well the friendship imploding because you changed the dynamics. Be sure that what you feel is truly what you feel and not some passing feeling of lust or loneliness. Be sure that you aren't confusing a good friend with a good companion… they are most definitely not one in the same. Friendship… while it carries its own list of requirement is a very, or should be, a very easy, un-stressful and giving experience. When romantic feelings enter the picture… every slight misstep, every harsh word, every small and insignificant thing that  never mattered before may suddenly become the loose thread that unravels it all. And that becomes ridiculously exponential if one side feels something the other is unaware of.

Love is another thing that confuses the hell out of me. It has caused entire cultures to go to war, people to commit crimes of passion, shifts in personal morality… all while it is commonly accepted that it is fleeting and fickle in today's wolrd. Love. Such a strange notion. Completely subjective and defined personally by every individual it applies to. There are those that believe in it. There are those that need it. There are those that have given up on it. I definitely fall into one of these categories. What of love. Why do we chase it. Why do we want or need it?

I have often mused about this very concept. So often, because of everyone's personal take on the matter, we transfer onto others our own definition of the concept and in that conceit try to convince them of our own take. Foolish. We all believe, if we do, that love is something that we define. As long as one is honest with themselves and their feelings towards others… then I don't believe it is possible to mislabel that strange and all consuming love. I have a ver definite view on love. I believe there is a friendly love and a romantic love. I cannot say which is more important to have. They are, at least to me, very much so dependant to each other. I have to have one before the other. The love friends share can be almost as powerful if not more so and permanent than the romantic loves. Unhindered by ties of passionate emotion… a friend who loves one another, and truly shows and feels it, can form a bond nigh unbreakable. Forged in fire, tested by time and reinforced by love, it is these friendships that make life so much better… or at least when not including a pure romantic one… but I will touch that in a moment. Brotherly love, sisterly love, love between friends, and I am not talking gender specific here, these loves are usually who we turn to in times of trouble and happiness alike. Without fear, regret or hesitance, we can fully and honestly approach these close to our heart because of this true emotion. I believe I have a few of these friends who show me this love. No… nothing is perfect. These awesome friends are not "awesome" because we never fight, or never disagree or never have a bad day. These friends are awesome and continue to be so simply because they try. Their love and compassion, trust and honesty, forgiveness and compromise show me time and again that my love and trust was not misplaced and really goes a long way to show me that I do deserve to be treated right and there are those who don't "choose" when to be good friends and when to be just there… but who always are.

Romantic love is a little bit more… complex. Sometimes hidden… whether because they are a friend who hasn't admitted it yet, someone who hasn't realized it or just someone who is too afraid to take that next step. I have found a variance in romantic love that speaks wonders about "how" certain people love, regardless of the love they say they have.

"Eros". Passion. Fury. All consuming. The heat of a thousand suns burning right in the heart of the lover. This type of love seems to be a love that is most associated with affairs, midsummer romances and forelorned and star struck lovers. Always exciting, always invigorating… always short? Yes. The one failing of this type of love is that it doesn't last. "the brightest flame burns quickes". It is a centuries old adage whose base philosophy is clear… it is impossible to pour oneself into something completely and to their limits indefinitely… invariably this will cause you to burn out. Movies and books portray this indefinite state efficiently by the false representation of the "happy ending". It is easy to just say happy ending to show the entire thing. I am in no way saying that the love simply dies, because this level of passion cannot be maintained it is just more likely that.. just as all that gleams will fade, all the is new becomes old… all that passion soon fades. What is left? I have an idea.

"Pathos". Puppy love, excitement and newness. Window shopping? You may laugh. I don't. this type of love is so common in today's wolrd that I can only closely associate it with the expendable, disposeable mentality and approach that our society applies to everything. Faddish, is another word that comes to mind, but I can wager one would hardly want to relate matter of the heart… and the utter chaos and pain that can be caused… when treating the love of another this way. While the commentary of how so many can blindly think the love they have is true, when it is mistakenly pathos is another thought entirely. It is the explanation still. "I thought I loved them". How often has a friend confessed this, or something similar. How often has someone easked themselves "what happened"… or asked of their former companion the same question. "to thine own self be true" is a statement not just for playwrights and story writers. It is a philosophical commentary. Without knowing yourself, what you want in life, who you are, your passions and desires, your goals and dreams, your word becomes something insubstantial and frail. Sure enough, that would be easy to caution against yet very unlikely that someone either knows they do not know themselves and if they do… I would wager any amount of money that they wouldn't openly admit such. Returning a dress is so much more simple than telling the person whose last year of life you just wasted "I just don't feel the same". Another thought still is that many who exhibit this tendancy constantly fool themselves inot thinking they turely feel for that next "one" that comes along… only to have them leave when it becomes quite obvious that they don't "really" love them. And they are left standing there wondering where they went wrong, failing to realize their pathos was the culprit and that it isn't so much that you love someone but the importance lies in "how" you love. They go on… only knowing one way to love and never realizing that their heartache is inborn. These very same people are usually impulse buyers and have three of four credit cards. It is a way of thinking and living that rears it's ugly head in many things. And just as that new pair of shoes, that cool new jacket or that new whatever loses it's appeal, so does this type of love. The remedy? I have an idea.

"Lothos". At length. Lasting. Enduring. These are the trademarks of the lothos type of love. Lothos love is found throughout friendships, romances, courtships and families. Now… if this love is so great, why would it not be the defacto in what we all strive for in love? There is a simple answer. It isn't exciting. It isn't passionate. It is steady, dependable and sure. And just as all those "nice guys/girls" who always finish last get passed up for the rebels, jerks and unsavory types… so too does lothos lose it's appeal in that it lacks the fury and passion of eros and the excitement and energy of pathos. Not without qualities of either… just not to the extent where eros fails because it burns you out and where pathos fails because it desensitizes you, but also lothos too fails because it just isn't enough for most. While true that there are some couples… older of course who grasp on to lothos because it holds true as it has for their four decades of togetherness. Just as anything else though, it takes a certain type of person… and their mirrored twin… to be able to find happiness in a sure thing devoid of drama, chaos and excitement. So what to do? I have an idea.

The concept of true love is easy enough to understand and muse about. It is a pure emotion.. complete with giving, compromise, caring, understanding just about every good thing that can ever be felt in a relationship can be said in true love's calling. That would be the rub right there… if true love is so awesome… if it was what we are all looking for why does it seem that it cannot be found except by a select few. Simply put… honesty. Honesty with yourself. Honesty with where you are at in life. Honesty with what you want. Honesty with every aspect of who you are. Are we this honest in today's society. Definitely not. And that is why this concept of true love is discarded, discredited or forgotten. Because… even in the one who miraculously has all that honesty and all in order… it does not mean a thing if you cannot find a single person who is at that exact same place in their life. So… what to do with this idea of true love.

The three concepts of love… eros, pathos and lothos are really, if you think from a different perspective… just fractions of true love. True love is equal parts passion, excitement and continued commitment. Without the display of desire, passion and want… a love will surely die for lack of emotion. Without the display of excitement, energy and intent… a love will surely die for lack of newness and momentum. Without the display of fidelity, commitment and compromise… a love will surely die for lack of trust. And that is my idea. An almost impossible one from where I sit… but the idea nonetheless. To be able to have the honesty with oneself and wholeness of being to be in the position to in the first place is a thought… but the most critical piece yet is that ability to mesh three different aspects of true love together. While true love may be out of the reach of most… tempering and honing oneself to be able to love… and in a healthy way is what I believe is the way towards making those choices of love… about love.. and to love.

Someone once mentioned to me… in much of the precursor to these thoughts about the different loves… that there is a point where one simply stops loving. Now… this is not as bleak as it seems. The philosophy there is after the dust settles, after eros burns itself out, after pathos is no longer excited and after lothos goes comatose… there is a choice on whether to love or not. Few realize that we really do choose whom we love. Many tote that they cannot choose who they love. Some of that I can agree with. But I have known too many people and have been in too many situations to say that is definite. Many foolishly chase those they say they love under the guise of "not being able to choose who they love", failing to realize that they "choose" to pursue because their desire for this person overshadows their sensibilities, their moral standing and even their own heart… no matter the wrongs or betrayals said prize has inflicted upon them. It is this constant choice, this failure to learn that drives them on, not some abstract notion that they simply cannot control who they love. Maybe it is easier to justify such poor decisions, dysfunctional dating habits and lack of self respect by chasing after people who openly admit or don't care enough to hide their dark intents. But in such instances… even though they do… this continual pursuit because you "love" them only highlights one very important question that begs to be asked. Regardless if the wolves are disguised as sheep or not… if the choice is still made to have the wolf… who is to blame… the wolf for being a wolf or the one who always makes that choice to have the wolf.

Stream of Consciousness, Part 2

original posting:  18 May 2007

What is a promise. Is it intention. Is it truth. Is it a pact that comes with guarantee. Is it anything that matters to anyone? Not anymore. No. wait. Maybe I am ahead of myself… or slowly trailing behind. When I promise… there is rarely anything more concrete. If anything we are creatures that have nothing if we don't have our word. If you cannot believe something someone tells you… is there not a complete "undermine" effect that happens to every relationship around you. If someone tells you they want to see you and you have no faith in their word, you do not seem available or reliable when they seek you out. Likewise… you become this person who is unreliable and flakey. This in turn creates relationships that are neither fulfilling or whole, giving or compassionate. It is acceptable to expect nothing from anyone… and only then is there never disappointment. Living without hope or faith in others… maybe the plague to the cure everyone is looking for. Ironic.

 

Even though you are gone… I still think about you. Maybe I am holding on to what could have been. Who wouldn't. a chance at perfect happiness that is real… I know that is still something I hope for. Just not with you. Could have been… an interesting notion… if you were a different person, yet still the same. No. that would not do… I love everything about you and that is the exact reason I hate you. It is how you are that kills me. Beautiful you. So wonderful. So flawed. You once deserved my hate. Now you barely deserve a passion thought. Ever so brief. Time does this. Maybe I do. Who knows?

Sometimes you just have to bury a feeling… a hope… a joy. If something you feel is killing you.. why not keep them six feet under. Inevitable… as with a lot of cases… the person you felt for wants a miracle… a resurrection. Maybe that is the reason so many hold onto so much… and for so long. This faltering idea that one will realize their mistakes… their feelings… their chance. Isn't this wait… this purgatory, what poisons those pure emotions that some truly feel. I say better to leave and forget. The cleanness and sharpness leaves the reasons for the burial very fresh… always remember why you had to bury it all in the first place. Maybe you will be blamed for not caring. Maybe you will have to bear the "burden"… but consider this… obviously with someone who is so blind that they cannot see what they have until they lost it… you will be blamed regardless. The distinction here is doing what you need to be happy… free from the bias of the what if's, could be's and might happens.

It must be hard living without knowing yourself. I remember a time not too long ago. Swimming in despair, full of remorse and regret. I remember the loss and hopelessness. I cannot imagine going through life this way. You just have to live fully and with purpose. Without seems so wasteful… but are we not bred that way. To live as if we are the only one living. To blame so many for the "faults" that one has on the inside.

There is nothing to fear with someone you know you can trust. You could fear more the possibility of that one who you barely know. They may leave you… hurt you.. betray you. But that one who has proven time and again the purest intentions… that is not even a chance. Sure… you could twist what they feel for you against them somehow… but that would be something you did, not something they felt. These pure intentions, taking a chance on them… that is taking an opportunity… your own opportunity. It is amazing what a person will take "chances" on while they… that same person won't try something that is a sure thing. That is a human condition.

Misery loves company. I have found this adage to be almost completely true. Company in the form of endless cycles of drama and unhappiness under the guise of "searching" for someone when the repeated results are failed attempts, broken hearts constantly on the mend and an ever increasing amount of mental and emotional baggage that will further continue the cycle in ever increasing degrees of severity. Eventually misery is all that is familiar. It is al that seems right and in time… misery is all that is comfortable. So happiness becomes the misery, true love becomes the abuse and sweetness and compassion become the bitterness and betrayal that you think you are protecting against. That is the sad truth in living with misery for so long. Everything you believe you are protecting yourself from, being used, betrayal and dishonesty is really what you yourself become espoused to and welcome. In the end you are no longer protecting anyone… you are the cause of your own dilemma… the cause of your own frustration… there is only one to blame but since you so long ago stopped honestly looking in the mirror… you will still fail to realize that.

What is it about the smile of the one you hold so dear that lifts the spirit… heals new wounds and makes all bad things go away and all hurt forgiven. Your heart bleeds… the wounds still vivid and fresh… yet when you look at me and smile that honest smile and laugh that honest laugh… I feel alive… connected as I am with you. I still cannot tell you. You come to me for strength…. But I am so weak. You may never know that. I hide behind my strength. It is so much easier for me to just live with you than to be with you. I know… that makes me laugh too.

One thing that consoles me is the endless cycle of things. As soon as you pass me up… another steps in to take your place. No… you cannot be replaced. I was honest in that… but your importance definitely is diminished… especially when I am shown what being true is… what being honest is… what giving and caring is. That is what blows my mind. There are those that will care. There are those that will walk to me. I find the feeling strange… to the point of disbelief.

Self worth. No I am not talking about some obscure idea of self importance. Worth… what is that. Value. My value to myself. It would seem that there are those that treat us ill… maybe they don't realize it and maybe it is intentional… whatever the cause it is all something that produces the same effect. They degrade you… considering their own selfish needs and because of some internal flaw they keep it up for all intents and purposes, something carrying the actions through merely because of the weight of the momentum they created. Why. I think this happens because if all of a sudden they may actually realize what they are doing but foolishly believe that if they actually start treating you right you might actually notice how bad they were treating you. Maybe you will think the imbalance is natural.

There may be hope for us… how. No… no hope. Wait.. yes.. .hope. I honestly believe we can work out. I can be devoted… cruel.. faithful… hollow… full of passion… disenchanted. The dichotomy of having to live in these days.  When the only chance is gained after walking through maze after maze… vain attempts made all the more difficult by the sheer stupidity of the thing… a test before a test before a test. Thankless… pointless… and not even fruitful. Is it even acceptable anymore to not play with emotions… to accept one's own and to truly let everything just be. I guess not.

You can be chased as if you were a prize but heaven forbid that you show any interest in your own hunt. It would seem as soon as you become just a bit curious… all effort is dead in the water. I believe it is this "forbidden" fruit mentality that poisons so much of what those looking for love have. To only want something on the basis because it is not yours. Or… to not desire to have something because of the ease that you could have it. Simply amazing. And so many times… and how often… does one find themselves the exact object of a quest to in what seems like small moments become nothing more than an afterthought… a footnote. Does that make those promises made in "good" times any less true. Yes… maybe. I laugh at the thought of putting any stock in the word of one who doesn't even know themselves… how foolish to think that a change wouldn't occur. Sometimes… this very truth is what destroys every good chance one will have. I can out of pity imagine what one goes through because of this.

What is it about bad memories that can so utterly destroy anything that you ever remembered about someone. What causes us to do this. You have so many times… so many events… so many things that you shared that makes you smile… yet that one bad thing that happens that so devious every thought you can ever seem to have about them. I think that it is because a bad memory such as this is so hard to shake because that memory carries with it the weight of what could have been… what as and every future good thing that was possible is very much so in jeopardy of being gone.