Reality Check

original posting:  23 September 2008

Wow.  What has it been?  Something like months?  Well... I have been busy, in my defense.  Well, I used to have a cult following with these things, not so sure how many friends I have that keep track of these blogs.  But, I mostly do them for me anyways, kind of like milestones of my life. 
There are those of you that really know me that have probably been thrown for a loop by my newfound passion and love.  Or that concept that I am really in love.  I know a certain one of you has most certainly dropped my friendship over it.  I am not going to explain it away or try to appease anyone with this... but I do think that there is plenty that I am feeling and thinking that should be put down.
After my divorce, oh, what was it, in February of 2005... I kind of went on a hedonistic spree.  Those of you that know me have a pretty solid idea of how I am with girls and friends and all that.  Well... I gave up on true friendship and relationships there.  Now, there were three women that I stopped my rampage for, but one ended horribly, one used me, and one showed me what a controlling freak is like from the other side.  SO... lol.  But all in all, those times made up about 4 months of that entire period. 
I made up my mind about a lot of things during that period. Here are the big ones.
Love didn't exist.  I believed that love was a tool, used by men and women, to try to explain why they didn't want to be lonely, or to make the other want to have sex with them.  I felt that if love did exist, women wouldn't get with men that treated them like shit, women wouldn't pass up on someone they could be happy with (assuming women CAN be happy) and women wouldn't treat guys that treat them well like crap. To me, love was nothing but a means to an end of some game that I didn't have the desire to play.  And being that all I wanted was a pure relationship with someone who truly cared for me… love was out the window.
Morality didn't exist.  I believed that morality was a line that can get moved just as simply as an object on a table.  To me, morality wasn't a guiding force in anyone's life, but simply something people say to others to get what they want.  No sweetie, I would never cheat on you.  No sweetie, I would never treat you wrong.  No sweetie, I will always take time to talk out a bad situation.  All lies and illusions to get what they want.  Morality.  The only people that are moral are those that are fine with getting what they want.  Once something starts to get a little difficult... out goes morality and in comes the new guy that she strayed to.  And the person that believes in morality is always left standing alone in the dark thinking what happened  to the wonderful person and all those awesome things they told me.  And being that all I wanted was someone who would always do right by me and never betray me… morality was out the window.
Relationships were for the weak and vain.  I didn't need a relationship to affirm my identity or to make me happy.  I even had a then friend tell me that one reason she would never be with me was because I would not need her and she would need me.  (bear in mind that at the time I WANTED her more than I had wanted anyone in a long time).  I had a hundred and one friends that were women, and our relationships were free from the stigma of being in a relationship.  The only thing they lacked were the sex and mushy hand holding bullshit that couples have to do to show they were together.  And at the time, I could care less how much I touched or felt someone.  People make such a big hubbub about wanting someone and once they were in the relationship... they either strayed or treated their man like shit.  So why would I want a relationship?  I could just stay friends with these women and get laid whenever the need arose… which I digress is the reason that time was a hedonistic spree.  And that I just wanted a relationship that would last… relationships were out the window.
These were three big fundamental changes in the way I thought.  I will admit... I somewhat lost it there.  So, there are a slew of friends that met me during this time and all they know is that guy.  That guy who is heartless, hates the idea of relationships, and does whatever he wants to make himself happy because he knows anyone will take what they want from him if he lets them. 
So what happened?
Love. 
I fell in love.  I had never fallen in love, and could never have guessed the power that love can have over a person.  It gripped me in its warm embrace and hasn't let me go since.  What did it take for me to fall in love?  I am still unsure what exactly happened.  But I do know WHO happened.  It is a very special girl.  She showed me what love is like when it is returned.  She showed me that, even if for a time, love is nurturing, safe and wonderful.  In her presence, I felt like I could be vulnerable and express myself without fear of being hurt or betrayed. 
I have had a few arguments with a few people since this has all come about.  They could not understand how I could change like this.  But I have also had a few conversations with some very important people in my life that think that anyone that can show me back out of that Juggernaut shell I had encased my heart in, without even trying, is someone that I should be thankful came into my life.
And I am.  I will forever be thankful to her for what she has done for me.  My heart beats everyday, with renewed hope and love.  I feel so much more than I have in ages.  I have laughed true laughs, smiled true smiles and said true words of love and commitment.
I am no idiot though.  I know that all good things come to an end.  It is a fact of life.  People get scared.  Priorities change and people change.  All we have are those moments that we shared with those people special in our lives. 
I will be honest.  The thought of me not having this special girl brings tears to my eyes.  How could it not?  Try having someone bring complete happiness into your life and then think about having that go away.  You would probably be just as hurt.  So I am definitely getting used to being vulnerable and defenseless.  Can't say I like it much.  Things were always so simple when I was the Juggernaut... but I would not have even had a chance at this happiness if I stayed as I was.  And I could not love at all if I was back in the shell.  So whatever happens, (and I know a certain individual that would probably smile if things turned sour) I am just going to feel what I feel, and let life be life.  (A very old philosophy of mine, see former blog) LOL
Dad told me something when I was in pain during the divorce.  He said that I cannot do anything about what someone else is doing.  They will make their choices and act the way they want to.  The only thing that I have, and can control, is what I do.  And as long as I do right by those that I love and want in my life, then I have done all I can do.  The rest is up to fate.  He said that everyone comes into our lives for a reason.  We have to decide who we let walk away, who we push away, and who we hold onto and never let go.  And each person makes that choice for themselves.  I know that I will never want to let go of her.  I just hope that she feels the same