: Friendship… where to begin. Honestly I am not sure anymore. You can be so sure of some things in this life. You can be so sure that someone will always be "there". You have your ups and downs… you have arguments. Maybe every now and again you might say some things in anger… but what is it that keeps a friendship going. Forgiveness? Compassion? Honesty? I am not sure. It would seem that the mistakes I make only repeat themselves in very specific instances. Why do these friendships fail. I am often faulted for being too caring, for trying too much, for giving too much effort, or giving effort too soon. So if it takes compromise, forgiveness… effort… most certainly if I have these qualities in spades then why would any of my friendships end? Of course there is more to tit than that. I make mistakes… just as anyone does. But that is what makes me human. Is it because others give up? Maybe. It is always easier to give up than to continue at something that at times is difficult. I would like to say that I wouldn't, but sometimes it is so hard to resist the desire to say "I am done". It is so difficult to forgive and always try… even if a break is necessary before doing so. It is this trial by fire that I believe makes friends for life. Ups and downs, hills and valley's, through life's changes, personal hardships and differences in character… weathering these storms and making the "choice", that conscious decision to never leave that friend will hold more value than anything that anyone can walk away from. I have this desire to keep certain people in this special status. They are close to my heart… and as a few have shown… with each new butting of heads, each new disagreement and argument, with each new instance where the "edges" are not quite smooth… where we both keep coming back… saying all is forgiven… and still making that choice to care, be there and in one in particular, to keep loving me regardless of what happens… I am shown that a true friend will not give up.
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I like the idea of having certain friends forever. I like the idea that someone will want to always be close to me… and for reasons other than loneliness, desire of the like. That me… by myself and because of my qualities I am wanted as a friend with no limits, that is more than enough to make my sad face brighten ever so much.
Emotions tie together and tear asunder so much in this life that I have a hard time expressing mine anymore. What is it about admitting or not admitting what you truly feel that can sway the entire universe into chaos or order. There has to be so much thought, fear and anxiety that goes into that decision. You may fall for someone and let this person walk out of your life. Why? The rear paralyzes you. You may very well destroy the friendship by being honest with those feelings. The person may shun you… may turn their back on you… may feel distanced from you because of the revelation… may realize their own feelings for you… whatever the case may be… I have found it is no simple solution… and being honest is not always the best course. I am actually more sure now, less idealistic that I am… that hiding one's true feelings will be more beneficial in the long run then not.
Every relationship we have.. romantic to friendly, simple to complex, has their own dynamic. Their own "engine" that makes it work. Maybe in the most lighthearted of instances, it is something as creative as a shared hobby and common humor… or conversely something very complex such as an afttraction and desire for companionship. Whatever the case may be, whatever keeps said relationships together, there is an assumption made… that nothing will ever change. It goes against all reasonable knowledge. We know the world changes… we know people change, we know things happen that are out of our control that cause shifts in loyalty, emotion and attitudes… yet even with all of this knowledge… consciously or subconsciously… we assume that what works with that someone, what "clicks", what makes the relationship so good is that nothing will change, they will be locked in stasis as they are… perfectly awesome and in this eternal state of bliss.
Invariably, some dynamic changes that will throw every cog and wheel into disarray. That hobby that you both got together every weekend for is no longer quite as enjoyable as it used to be. You can no longer devote as much time to "hanging out" because your work schedule calls for more time on the job. That friend that you just hung out with for kicks is now someone you want to spend much more time with. Someone that you would hang out with when there was nothing better to do now shows a definite interest in who you are dating and if it is someone like them. It is these shifts, these changes that are such turning points in relationships. There is a moment there, right as the shift is noticed by one side and not by the other, where one most definitely considers. Honesty and desire steps in. do you proceed with the change, revealing what it is and letting fate decide where things fo from there or do you let fear rule your decisions forever concerning this person? In my former idealism, I would say no. I would say lay your heart bear… a friend that close would never hurt you and the situation would always work out for the best. An idealist will always find themselves in a world that does not meet his ideals. But… I digress. I say that you can never know. My first instinct is to bury those feelings. Better a catastrophe avoided by denying yourself your heart's desire than creating one by pursuing the object of your affection. Now… taking a chance on such a thing has definitely won many a lover and companion… I do not doubt that for a second. But the opposite is just as true… you think that someone is beautiful, wonderful and because you work out so well why not take that next logical step forward? Why indeed.
And right there is the mistake. Just as in assuming a friendship will remain perfect because what makes you perfect will never change, so too is the mistake in assuming gthere are any logical steps concerning friendships and their progression to relationships. I will challenge more often than not that it is this folly, this fault in logic that has ended many a friendship, much more so than such a jump would create a relationship. As I mentioned above, every relationship begins based on impressions and intents. Flirtations, misperceptions and temptations aside, I believe it is almost always these first impressions and intents that everyone bases their "cogs and wheels" upon. If not for the belief that nothing will change in these initial stages… it would be very hard to base your own feelings on someone as you couldn't be sure they are being consistent with you. Am I wagering it is never better to take a chance? No. am I saying that if things are progressing nicely and there is a natural shift to romance should you forcibly stop yourself. Not exactly. Am I saying that if you develop a love and desire for a longtime friend that you should put it aside and forever hide it? Not in so many words. What I am saying is this. Be sure… about everything. Be sure you can handle well the friendship imploding because you changed the dynamics. Be sure that what you feel is truly what you feel and not some passing feeling of lust or loneliness. Be sure that you aren't confusing a good friend with a good companion… they are most definitely not one in the same. Friendship… while it carries its own list of requirement is a very, or should be, a very easy, un-stressful and giving experience. When romantic feelings enter the picture… every slight misstep, every harsh word, every small and insignificant thing that never mattered before may suddenly become the loose thread that unravels it all. And that becomes ridiculously exponential if one side feels something the other is unaware of.
Love is another thing that confuses the hell out of me. It has caused entire cultures to go to war, people to commit crimes of passion, shifts in personal morality… all while it is commonly accepted that it is fleeting and fickle in today's wolrd. Love. Such a strange notion. Completely subjective and defined personally by every individual it applies to. There are those that believe in it. There are those that need it. There are those that have given up on it. I definitely fall into one of these categories. What of love. Why do we chase it. Why do we want or need it?
I have often mused about this very concept. So often, because of everyone's personal take on the matter, we transfer onto others our own definition of the concept and in that conceit try to convince them of our own take. Foolish. We all believe, if we do, that love is something that we define. As long as one is honest with themselves and their feelings towards others… then I don't believe it is possible to mislabel that strange and all consuming love. I have a ver definite view on love. I believe there is a friendly love and a romantic love. I cannot say which is more important to have. They are, at least to me, very much so dependant to each other. I have to have one before the other. The love friends share can be almost as powerful if not more so and permanent than the romantic loves. Unhindered by ties of passionate emotion… a friend who loves one another, and truly shows and feels it, can form a bond nigh unbreakable. Forged in fire, tested by time and reinforced by love, it is these friendships that make life so much better… or at least when not including a pure romantic one… but I will touch that in a moment. Brotherly love, sisterly love, love between friends, and I am not talking gender specific here, these loves are usually who we turn to in times of trouble and happiness alike. Without fear, regret or hesitance, we can fully and honestly approach these close to our heart because of this true emotion. I believe I have a few of these friends who show me this love. No… nothing is perfect. These awesome friends are not "awesome" because we never fight, or never disagree or never have a bad day. These friends are awesome and continue to be so simply because they try. Their love and compassion, trust and honesty, forgiveness and compromise show me time and again that my love and trust was not misplaced and really goes a long way to show me that I do deserve to be treated right and there are those who don't "choose" when to be good friends and when to be just there… but who always are.
Romantic love is a little bit more… complex. Sometimes hidden… whether because they are a friend who hasn't admitted it yet, someone who hasn't realized it or just someone who is too afraid to take that next step. I have found a variance in romantic love that speaks wonders about "how" certain people love, regardless of the love they say they have.
"Eros". Passion. Fury. All consuming. The heat of a thousand suns burning right in the heart of the lover. This type of love seems to be a love that is most associated with affairs, midsummer romances and forelorned and star struck lovers. Always exciting, always invigorating… always short? Yes. The one failing of this type of love is that it doesn't last. "the brightest flame burns quickes". It is a centuries old adage whose base philosophy is clear… it is impossible to pour oneself into something completely and to their limits indefinitely… invariably this will cause you to burn out. Movies and books portray this indefinite state efficiently by the false representation of the "happy ending". It is easy to just say happy ending to show the entire thing. I am in no way saying that the love simply dies, because this level of passion cannot be maintained it is just more likely that.. just as all that gleams will fade, all the is new becomes old… all that passion soon fades. What is left? I have an idea.
"Pathos". Puppy love, excitement and newness. Window shopping? You may laugh. I don't. this type of love is so common in today's wolrd that I can only closely associate it with the expendable, disposeable mentality and approach that our society applies to everything. Faddish, is another word that comes to mind, but I can wager one would hardly want to relate matter of the heart… and the utter chaos and pain that can be caused… when treating the love of another this way. While the commentary of how so many can blindly think the love they have is true, when it is mistakenly pathos is another thought entirely. It is the explanation still. "I thought I loved them". How often has a friend confessed this, or something similar. How often has someone easked themselves "what happened"… or asked of their former companion the same question. "to thine own self be true" is a statement not just for playwrights and story writers. It is a philosophical commentary. Without knowing yourself, what you want in life, who you are, your passions and desires, your goals and dreams, your word becomes something insubstantial and frail. Sure enough, that would be easy to caution against yet very unlikely that someone either knows they do not know themselves and if they do… I would wager any amount of money that they wouldn't openly admit such. Returning a dress is so much more simple than telling the person whose last year of life you just wasted "I just don't feel the same". Another thought still is that many who exhibit this tendancy constantly fool themselves inot thinking they turely feel for that next "one" that comes along… only to have them leave when it becomes quite obvious that they don't "really" love them. And they are left standing there wondering where they went wrong, failing to realize their pathos was the culprit and that it isn't so much that you love someone but the importance lies in "how" you love. They go on… only knowing one way to love and never realizing that their heartache is inborn. These very same people are usually impulse buyers and have three of four credit cards. It is a way of thinking and living that rears it's ugly head in many things. And just as that new pair of shoes, that cool new jacket or that new whatever loses it's appeal, so does this type of love. The remedy? I have an idea.
"Lothos". At length. Lasting. Enduring. These are the trademarks of the lothos type of love. Lothos love is found throughout friendships, romances, courtships and families. Now… if this love is so great, why would it not be the defacto in what we all strive for in love? There is a simple answer. It isn't exciting. It isn't passionate. It is steady, dependable and sure. And just as all those "nice guys/girls" who always finish last get passed up for the rebels, jerks and unsavory types… so too does lothos lose it's appeal in that it lacks the fury and passion of eros and the excitement and energy of pathos. Not without qualities of either… just not to the extent where eros fails because it burns you out and where pathos fails because it desensitizes you, but also lothos too fails because it just isn't enough for most. While true that there are some couples… older of course who grasp on to lothos because it holds true as it has for their four decades of togetherness. Just as anything else though, it takes a certain type of person… and their mirrored twin… to be able to find happiness in a sure thing devoid of drama, chaos and excitement. So what to do? I have an idea.
The concept of true love is easy enough to understand and muse about. It is a pure emotion.. complete with giving, compromise, caring, understanding just about every good thing that can ever be felt in a relationship can be said in true love's calling. That would be the rub right there… if true love is so awesome… if it was what we are all looking for why does it seem that it cannot be found except by a select few. Simply put… honesty. Honesty with yourself. Honesty with where you are at in life. Honesty with what you want. Honesty with every aspect of who you are. Are we this honest in today's society. Definitely not. And that is why this concept of true love is discarded, discredited or forgotten. Because… even in the one who miraculously has all that honesty and all in order… it does not mean a thing if you cannot find a single person who is at that exact same place in their life. So… what to do with this idea of true love.
The three concepts of love… eros, pathos and lothos are really, if you think from a different perspective… just fractions of true love. True love is equal parts passion, excitement and continued commitment. Without the display of desire, passion and want… a love will surely die for lack of emotion. Without the display of excitement, energy and intent… a love will surely die for lack of newness and momentum. Without the display of fidelity, commitment and compromise… a love will surely die for lack of trust. And that is my idea. An almost impossible one from where I sit… but the idea nonetheless. To be able to have the honesty with oneself and wholeness of being to be in the position to in the first place is a thought… but the most critical piece yet is that ability to mesh three different aspects of true love together. While true love may be out of the reach of most… tempering and honing oneself to be able to love… and in a healthy way is what I believe is the way towards making those choices of love… about love.. and to love.
Someone once mentioned to me… in much of the precursor to these thoughts about the different loves… that there is a point where one simply stops loving. Now… this is not as bleak as it seems. The philosophy there is after the dust settles, after eros burns itself out, after pathos is no longer excited and after lothos goes comatose… there is a choice on whether to love or not. Few realize that we really do choose whom we love. Many tote that they cannot choose who they love. Some of that I can agree with. But I have known too many people and have been in too many situations to say that is definite. Many foolishly chase those they say they love under the guise of "not being able to choose who they love", failing to realize that they "choose" to pursue because their desire for this person overshadows their sensibilities, their moral standing and even their own heart… no matter the wrongs or betrayals said prize has inflicted upon them. It is this constant choice, this failure to learn that drives them on, not some abstract notion that they simply cannot control who they love. Maybe it is easier to justify such poor decisions, dysfunctional dating habits and lack of self respect by chasing after people who openly admit or don't care enough to hide their dark intents. But in such instances… even though they do… this continual pursuit because you "love" them only highlights one very important question that begs to be asked. Regardless if the wolves are disguised as sheep or not… if the choice is still made to have the wolf… who is to blame… the wolf for being a wolf or the one who always makes that choice to have the wolf.
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