What is a promise. Is it intention. Is it truth. Is it a pact that comes with guarantee. Is it anything that matters to anyone? Not anymore. No. wait. Maybe I am ahead of myself… or slowly trailing behind. When I promise… there is rarely anything more concrete. If anything we are creatures that have nothing if we don't have our word. If you cannot believe something someone tells you… is there not a complete "undermine" effect that happens to every relationship around you. If someone tells you they want to see you and you have no faith in their word, you do not seem available or reliable when they seek you out. Likewise… you become this person who is unreliable and flakey. This in turn creates relationships that are neither fulfilling or whole, giving or compassionate. It is acceptable to expect nothing from anyone… and only then is there never disappointment. Living without hope or faith in others… maybe the plague to the cure everyone is looking for. Ironic.
Even though you are gone… I still think about you. Maybe I am holding on to what could have been. Who wouldn't. a chance at perfect happiness that is real… I know that is still something I hope for. Just not with you. Could have been… an interesting notion… if you were a different person, yet still the same. No. that would not do… I love everything about you and that is the exact reason I hate you. It is how you are that kills me. Beautiful you. So wonderful. So flawed. You once deserved my hate. Now you barely deserve a passion thought. Ever so brief. Time does this. Maybe I do. Who knows?
Sometimes you just have to bury a feeling… a hope… a joy. If something you feel is killing you.. why not keep them six feet under. Inevitable… as with a lot of cases… the person you felt for wants a miracle… a resurrection. Maybe that is the reason so many hold onto so much… and for so long. This faltering idea that one will realize their mistakes… their feelings… their chance. Isn't this wait… this purgatory, what poisons those pure emotions that some truly feel. I say better to leave and forget. The cleanness and sharpness leaves the reasons for the burial very fresh… always remember why you had to bury it all in the first place. Maybe you will be blamed for not caring. Maybe you will have to bear the "burden"… but consider this… obviously with someone who is so blind that they cannot see what they have until they lost it… you will be blamed regardless. The distinction here is doing what you need to be happy… free from the bias of the what if's, could be's and might happens.
It must be hard living without knowing yourself. I remember a time not too long ago. Swimming in despair, full of remorse and regret. I remember the loss and hopelessness. I cannot imagine going through life this way. You just have to live fully and with purpose. Without seems so wasteful… but are we not bred that way. To live as if we are the only one living. To blame so many for the "faults" that one has on the inside.
There is nothing to fear with someone you know you can trust. You could fear more the possibility of that one who you barely know. They may leave you… hurt you.. betray you. But that one who has proven time and again the purest intentions… that is not even a chance. Sure… you could twist what they feel for you against them somehow… but that would be something you did, not something they felt. These pure intentions, taking a chance on them… that is taking an opportunity… your own opportunity. It is amazing what a person will take "chances" on while they… that same person won't try something that is a sure thing. That is a human condition.
Misery loves company. I have found this adage to be almost completely true. Company in the form of endless cycles of drama and unhappiness under the guise of "searching" for someone when the repeated results are failed attempts, broken hearts constantly on the mend and an ever increasing amount of mental and emotional baggage that will further continue the cycle in ever increasing degrees of severity. Eventually misery is all that is familiar. It is al that seems right and in time… misery is all that is comfortable. So happiness becomes the misery, true love becomes the abuse and sweetness and compassion become the bitterness and betrayal that you think you are protecting against. That is the sad truth in living with misery for so long. Everything you believe you are protecting yourself from, being used, betrayal and dishonesty is really what you yourself become espoused to and welcome. In the end you are no longer protecting anyone… you are the cause of your own dilemma… the cause of your own frustration… there is only one to blame but since you so long ago stopped honestly looking in the mirror… you will still fail to realize that.
What is it about the smile of the one you hold so dear that lifts the spirit… heals new wounds and makes all bad things go away and all hurt forgiven. Your heart bleeds… the wounds still vivid and fresh… yet when you look at me and smile that honest smile and laugh that honest laugh… I feel alive… connected as I am with you. I still cannot tell you. You come to me for strength…. But I am so weak. You may never know that. I hide behind my strength. It is so much easier for me to just live with you than to be with you. I know… that makes me laugh too.
One thing that consoles me is the endless cycle of things. As soon as you pass me up… another steps in to take your place. No… you cannot be replaced. I was honest in that… but your importance definitely is diminished… especially when I am shown what being true is… what being honest is… what giving and caring is. That is what blows my mind. There are those that will care. There are those that will walk to me. I find the feeling strange… to the point of disbelief.
Self worth. No I am not talking about some obscure idea of self importance. Worth… what is that. Value. My value to myself. It would seem that there are those that treat us ill… maybe they don't realize it and maybe it is intentional… whatever the cause it is all something that produces the same effect. They degrade you… considering their own selfish needs and because of some internal flaw they keep it up for all intents and purposes, something carrying the actions through merely because of the weight of the momentum they created. Why. I think this happens because if all of a sudden they may actually realize what they are doing but foolishly believe that if they actually start treating you right you might actually notice how bad they were treating you. Maybe you will think the imbalance is natural.
There may be hope for us… how. No… no hope. Wait.. yes.. .hope. I honestly believe we can work out. I can be devoted… cruel.. faithful… hollow… full of passion… disenchanted. The dichotomy of having to live in these days. When the only chance is gained after walking through maze after maze… vain attempts made all the more difficult by the sheer stupidity of the thing… a test before a test before a test. Thankless… pointless… and not even fruitful. Is it even acceptable anymore to not play with emotions… to accept one's own and to truly let everything just be. I guess not.
You can be chased as if you were a prize but heaven forbid that you show any interest in your own hunt. It would seem as soon as you become just a bit curious… all effort is dead in the water. I believe it is this "forbidden" fruit mentality that poisons so much of what those looking for love have. To only want something on the basis because it is not yours. Or… to not desire to have something because of the ease that you could have it. Simply amazing. And so many times… and how often… does one find themselves the exact object of a quest to in what seems like small moments become nothing more than an afterthought… a footnote. Does that make those promises made in "good" times any less true. Yes… maybe. I laugh at the thought of putting any stock in the word of one who doesn't even know themselves… how foolish to think that a change wouldn't occur. Sometimes… this very truth is what destroys every good chance one will have. I can out of pity imagine what one goes through because of this.
What is it about bad memories that can so utterly destroy anything that you ever remembered about someone. What causes us to do this. You have so many times… so many events… so many things that you shared that makes you smile… yet that one bad thing that happens that so devious every thought you can ever seem to have about them. I think that it is because a bad memory such as this is so hard to shake because that memory carries with it the weight of what could have been… what as and every future good thing that was possible is very much so in jeopardy of being gone.
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