Love

original posting: 3 April 2007

that is such a strong and entrancing word. we all seek it. we all want it. and for most... finding it is a neverending quest without rewards other than pain and heartache.
i have been in a unique position for quite a while now. one of being single, happily so and in no hurry to find 'the one.' i would be lying if i said the idea of being in love wasn't tempting. even with all my dismal failures, betrayals and hurt feelings well behind me... i find that very idea... finding someone i can give my still beating heart to very tempting. what is it that holds me back? or more appropriately... what am i lacking that prevents me from surging headlong into that pursuit of finding someone to share my life with?
for me... i have found with myself my answer to that question. it simply comes down to cost versus payoff. i have not seen more money, happiness, fun or ease in my life than when i have been single. i have no commitments, no emotional ties nor sources of drama to speak of and everything i do i only ever have to do for myself. i 'need' no one. chasing this 'dream' we call love? what has that gotten me... needless spending, unhappiness, the vain facade of fun and a burdon on the emotions that comes from shattered dreams, failed expectations and unreturned compassion.
am i gun shy? no. am i afraid? no. have i stopped looking? maybe. but you have to think... what would it take for me to give up this happiness, this flow of money, this easygoing and endlessly fun lifestyle? to me the answer is as plain as day.
to find someone who would care for me as much as i would care for them... and effortlessly so, someone worthwhile. that is what it would take.