Just putting some pen to paper here… a little free thought to free form
My flaws seem so plain to the eye, very critical of myself, too caring or others, no caring enough. Timing it seems is also the issue… perfection at a time when I need to be flawed, uncaring at a time when loving would bring me happiness. I love… but wrongly so… or the wrong people. And when they finally care for me… I disappear. Another flaw still. What am I waiting for? Nothing it would seem… while those I "care" for continue to make bad choices… or good ones in that they take themselves away from me. I stay the same, always changing. I love you. I do. But there is no benefit of that love… or the benefit of seeing "who" not to. Time shows the wisdom in life's decisions, or flaws, yet who really cares. Life teaches every lesson you will ever need to learn… even if some learn at 20 what others learn at 35. something beautiful is not always something that happens… something perfect can always be flawed if one person cannot see it, or feel it, or embrace it… or even admit it.
Flaws are also what show me the wisdom in living. If I did not feel for those I do… how would I know how to stop next time. Doors on the heart should have keyholes… maybe not keys. There is fear in letting someone new in… but why instead embrace the chance of the unknown when the known seems so good. Why be attracted to the wrong type. Does it even matter. We all change so much… in my new "weakness" I have found a different strength… one of compassion, love and true feelings, even if my heart bleeds at times. Why bleed? It shows that you still can.
I do bleed for you… when I fool myself into thinking I am worth the attempt. Why fight a battle you lose half of what you give? Wouldn't it be better to play that hand that is returned every time. You are so awesome. You smile because you want to. You like that I am around. Nothing I do seems too much… or too little. I see something in your eyes… though not sure what.
It is true I have never thought about this before… but was that my mistake. Sometimes we are so blind to what is in front of us… maybe while I worried about being what was in front of others I missed what is in front of me. Time definitely marches on. This life is so short… it is so easy to take a chance. So many live only thinking about that next good thing… but rarely know what a good thing is. Moods swing… another fault maybe… but no one cares when you are happy. Can they when you are sad… sadness only happens until someone makes you forget "who" made you sad. Then they want to ask if you have forgotten. You never want to remember that bad time… or person… or thing.
I honestly care… I am the only one that matters to. I honestly can be true, honorable and faithful… again… the same problem. But then you show me what could be. You don't use me, or ditch me, or stop caring. I am not a convenience to you. I am what you tell me I am… a good friend. You never will know what's more. It is hard to… I admit you scare me. No, "you" don't scare me. It is the possibility of ''us''. You can want something for so long. Do you ever think about what you would do with "it" when you have it? Why search for someone when you aren't sure you "want" someone. Why search for "love" when you cannot fully embrace it. Why say you "just" want happiness when you are not ever sure "how" to be happy. I could be happy with you… or I "think" I could. Love? Definitely, if I lost myself. Which I "would". You are not a convenience for me… I would always be there. You show me the same… or show me just how much "others" aren't. I feel I will always know you… you make that thought ok. Again that fear… why is "it" there. Is it because I am so used to pain… to not being appreciated… that it scares me… the thought of permanence. That you might actually stay the same wonderful person and I "might" enjoy that. Why fear? It has made me think a lot. I fear nothing in this world but that thought of us makes my heart stutter. I laugh or maybe I worry.
I cannot. Or at least… not anymore. This takes from me the desire… sometimes it remains. Sometimes. Maybe I will not. I cannot be a liar. I cannot. I have to be honest with you… "with" me. If I wasn't, you surely wouldn't know. But I haven't said everything. And what you think I "say" is really something else. I admit another flaw still… a small deceit. I don't mean to… I have changed. For the better? But is this better? Yes…no? maybe. I let myself love. I let myself hate. Why does it have to be the choice. I am stubborn… I want to keep forgiving you. I do. Why am I never forgiven. You seem so alive when I am with you. Yet you deny what you feel… maybe that is what "kills" you. I don't want to heal you… but I want you to be whole. Why. Maybe then that smile will be for me… with me… because of me. I don't know. But I do. For so long, "everything" I did was for you. Because I wanted to. Does it even matter. It used to… you stopped showing it.
You show me. And I smile every time. I wonder what I did… you tell me I was just being me. There is so much power in honesty, "truth" why do I hide what I really want or feel. Maybe because all I have been shown is that isn't ok. Hide your feelings… my feelings. What would we have to regret later if we didn't… finding happiness is so hard… or "easy".
Why do you matter? I can tell you why. But these walls listen so much more… accept so much more. Is it so hard to follow through. If you have no idea what to look for. I do… but is that "changing". I am… but still I remain… the same. I would like to forget. If I forget then I don't remember why it "hurts" when you don't care. Do you? I can't tell. I close my eyes. The darkness "embraces" me. My dreams… you are in them. Good dreams… we are finally together… you are happy.. with me… I am happy… of course I am… a dream is a dream come true. I don't want those dreams. Who wants a constant reminder of what never will happen. Or will it. Again… my flaws. I may not care when you "see" what makes us so special. I would rather not. In that case… I would be free… "trapped" in this purgatory between decisions. When you care… the world fades and there is only that happiness. When you don't care… my world crumbles. What is power… having that affect on someone… it says a lot of how much you matter. What can I say that hasn't been said. I mean it every time I speak it. Is my permanence too much. Maybe I am too much. I only try to be the best I can… to do ''right'' by you.. always. Is it wrong to do that… it is never enough… not now.
What can I say to you.. I definitely haven't said this… I want the possibility of you. It is true… but I want you to feel the same. I know I matter to you… I know you care.. you say it and show it. So why do I hesitate. Why… because "history" repeats itself. If I do this… that tragedy will happen again. Even though I don't love you I know I could.. but why try. I am so optimistic about my downfalls. You say just about everything I could want… yet I don't want to "ask" the question. Another regret I suppose to go with the one I already have. I should have said something. Why didn't i. you definitely mattered, even then. Yet I didn't try. You waited… and anytime I asked… you always wanted to. I wish it were so simple. To just say and let it be. But the what ifs kill me. Will disaster strike… that would kill me. Do I ask the little "questions" to see if it is ok. No… but I want to.
This want that I have… it changes so much. Sometimes it is pure… sometimes it is corrupt. The flaw of wrath is in me… but I like it… and don't. if it leads to you… I would destroy "everything"… but all I see is the road away. I definitely walk the path. I need to. I cannot just wait… you might be hoping that I say something… I am not even sure it is ok. Take a chance? What chance… chance we will end… chance you will never see me the same… chance that our time so close is over. Why get close then if these chances are all I have. That doesn't change that you are wonderful.
Sometimes behind the smile I feel nothing. Sometimes I reach out to touch because I am so hollow. I don't know what it is… that goes away around you. You don't provoke that moniker I have earned… you don't do those things that so many others do to make it so easy to walk away. Why then does this get so hard. Again, it would seem fear stays my heart. I can move mountains… yet I cannot take one step towards you.
I don't mind the quiet times. They allow me pause… or stop… I can be away from you… it helps me see your quiet beauty… your elegance. I don't think you "notice"… but isn't that the greatest thing… you just want to be you and that makes you so wonderful. I see nothing sometimes… blind as I am… yet I can see so much if I wanted to… I guess I don't want to… why would I let you walk away. I should let you know. I am here… not just that …. But for you.
The armor we wear… does it keep us in… or them out. One can spend so much time trying to get inside that shell… "exhausted" to the point that when the armor is gone… you can't give any more. Am I there. Surely I cannot give any more. There needs to be some reward for trying… a punished dog learns its tricks. Time walks on. I only walk away from those that control my direction. Yet I will always be blamed… why… it is "easier" than admitting their guilt… their "hesitance"… their fear. I do admit fear… but when it mattered… I gave you the choice of stay or go… I didn't make it for you.
I want you… but I don't… some want good things… some just don't know what that means. You cannot even show what that means. It is just as easy as changing the color of the sky. But time can do that. It always does… but just as the sky can be known by a different name… time will change those good things for you. Nothing stays the same… time waits for no one… so is it a fool that waits for someone. I want to scream yes. But I would and that angers me.
I will find myself, in time, in a place of happiness that comes from finding something permanent. This is what drives me… and slows me to a crawl. Never getting what it is you want can be a torture that is almost hard to live with. But maybe, just maybe it is what also fills you with such "completeness" when it is finally achieved. It is always harder to live with something you have done than something you haven't. at least if it was something you have done you don't have to think about what could have happened.
People will come and go in life… some will take themselves away from you… sometimes a blessing of curse. You can fight it… or not. I fight it. Sometimes I don't. That confusion binds some… I know. I am flawed here. If I was a little more sure… I would. But I can't. sometimes I won't. I need to feel special. I want to feel special. What is wrong with that. A lot. Everything and nothing. I hurt sometimes… but it is a good pain. I cause it. It breeds from me because I provide so much. I give everything that you need… why would you want me… you don't even have to ask for it all. You never have to work for it and you never have to try. That is what keeps me away now… if it wasn't for all I did for you… you would want me the way I want you. But… because you are spoiled… I am spoiled… it never gets past the walls of our own minds. A shame… if I cared less about you… you would care more about me. The irony huh?
And you… I was definitely blind to you. Your words, your actions… they all seemed too good. I wanted to believe… but I never truly did. Was that what caused you to turn… because you knew I didn't trust you. Or was it all something that was going to happen… because you cannot help what you are. You are so boring because of this. I am never surprised. Can you step out of the shell at least once. And for me? No… that would be asking too much… especially if I don't even ask. No…I don't suppose you will ever change… you will always just be "misery". And this is where I hate. So deeply… not even you… just that you can only seem to be this way. I try… and I try… and again I try… only to have that particular slap in the face each time. I must love pain to put myself through this. And to be told this is the case… with "forever" the "warnings" coming my way… from those few who actually care… and all I can say is I know. It is like I am blind about seeing everything. How sad to be that person… am I a martyr? Maybe I just martyr myself. What am I waiting for? What is happening? Nothing… that is exactly it. Nothing is happening. My stasis at your hands should be all I need to want to leave. Always caught in between the moments… never fully realizing and never fully being realized… always loving but never being loved… always trying and never getting any effort in return. This is a terrible place to be in.
You have that sparkle. It is a gift… you lighten everyone around you. Coveted you are… and I know it. Maybe that is what keeps me away. To deny myself what everyone wants makes me different… or the same. I tell you that you are great and you just smile… maybe you are not used to someone telling you such an honest feeling. Maybe you are just used to all the people that don't tell you anything. I don't know… I just know what I think and what I feel for you… which is a little bit more than I will admit. There might be something in our future… there might not be. Definitely not if I don't even mention what you might also be feeling. I am glad you don't lie to me. Or maybe you lie so well that I cannot even tell. But I know that isn't it. You are so honest. It is hard to understand… and you are so sure that you are going to hurt me… and when you don't it surprises you. It is nice not having to be guarded… or should I say… not nearly as guarded. I once made a mistake like this… I thought it was a good thing… but it wasn't. but for you… I will make it again and again if you keep rewarding me for being this way. I smile when I think of you. Not sure why because we are just close… but not close.
I know this is all just variations on a theme… so much on so little. But this has been my life. No matter how I try… it just seems to repeat itself out. Maybe that is why I should try a bit harder by not trying at all. If I "allow" myself to… and stop myself, everything just may be fine. And it will regardless. I have the best worst luck and the most fortunate mistakes I can have the blessing of having. I accept it. I almost hate you. You mean the world to me and that doesn't matter to you… you just keep letting me slip by. You are so wonderful that I don't know how to explain my love for you… or the love that could be. You are so blind to your own flaws. You keep me seeing everything as it is… or most likely is. I mourn our fallout… and the fallout that comes from that… you may not even notice.
You will always have me… you always did. I just might not be around the next time you realize
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